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  About the Author

  Rob Cossins is first and foremost a Christian, a follower of Jesus. Though his is an imperfect walk, his faith informs every important decision he makes. Over the past twenty years, Robert has had the opportunity to counsel numerous men regarding life, faith, career and marriage. He believes God calls men to be as intentional regarding their marriage as they are regarding other important areas in life, and encourages men to pursue intentional living. He believes the marital decision one of the most crucial decisions a man will ever make. Made well, it enables a man to fulfill his life’s mission; made poorly, it’s debilitating and immensely destructive to family, church, children, and even society. Though marriage is a lifetime commitment before God, it’s not an eternal one, ending at the death of either spouse; however, though the marital vows cease at death, it’s a vow before God that clearly changes eternity. He encourages men to marry well, proceeding carefully, and always seeking God’s discernment. Rob is a man with many scars, who’s willing to openly share what he’s learned, just as he’s learned from others.

  Over his years of working with men, it became apparent that, much to their detriment, most men receive very little instruction or advice regarding selecting a good wife so, in 2012, he established the Made to Lead Institute specifically designed to provide men straight talk about how to fulfill their life’s mission, how to marry well, and how to improve their marriage. He delivers these materials via seminar and has completed the first in a planned series of books entitled, Made to Lead: Finding a Virtuous Wife in Sodom.

  Robert previously served as CEO of a privately-held technology firm he founded nearly twenty years ago, a firm which delivered over a million hours of software consulting and engineering services during his ownership tenure. He still consults with start-up to mid-sized businesses on strategic issues.

  Cossins is the named inventor on several patents related to geographical information systems and has had his admittedly abstruse research on computer modeling of complex systems published. Over time, people have become more important to him, and technology less. To that end, he served one of his alma maters for over a decade as a founding member of a committee seeking to better prepare computer science graduates for the real world. He has spoken in inner-city high schools to encourage disadvantaged students to prepare for their future and to break the cycle of dysfunction in their families. He currently serves as the director of his church’s board and in various ministry-related roles.

  Cossins enjoys water sports, hiking, hunting, long-distance target shooting, making things with his hands, and off-road motorcycling. He loved football until it became a penalty to make a good play. He is fascinated by history and is a devotee of Austrian economics.

  Rob may be contacted at [email protected]. To receive more information on his organization, please visit www.made-to-lead.com.

  Disclaimer

  The information contained in this book is intended for educational purposes only. It is sold and provided with the understanding that neither the author nor publisher is engaged in rendering legal advice, counseling, or any other professional advice. The information herein is not a substitute for professional care or counsel. The author is not a licensed counselor.

  No representations, either expressed or implied, are made or given regarding the use of the information provided. The author is in no way liable for any use or misuse of the material.

  This book deals with marriage and sexuality in direct terms. It is intended for mature readers.

  MADE TO LEAD: FINDING A VIRTUOUS WIFE IN SODOM

  Copyright © 2013 by Robert Cossins

  First Edition: March, 2013

  All rights reserved. No part of this manuscript may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any informational storage or retrieval system, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed or published electronically, without permission in writing from the author. Although the author and publisher have researched all sources to ensure the accuracy and completeness of the information contained herein, we assume no responsibility for errors, inaccuracies, omissions or any inconsistency of the materials. Any slights of people or organizations are completely unintentional.

  Cover design by JartStar. Original painting entitled Saint George and the Dragon by Pieter Pauwel Rubens, 1620.

  Published by the Made to Lead Institute

  Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version, copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by the International Bible Society.

  Created in the United States of America.

  Acknowledgments

  I thank the many men over the past two decades who’ve invited me into their lives and let me walk with them through difficult times. You are my friends and have taught me much.

  I further acknowledge those performing honest research in fields that help us better understand men, women, and how they relate to one another. Their insights and findings have greatly refined my thinking, particularly the thoughts and ruminations of Vox Day, truly an original thinker. If he wasn’t so busy writing epic fantasy, he might well have tackled a similar project, with great aplomb I’m quite sure. Additionally, the blogger Dalrock is an accomplished miner of historical statistics and always provides valuable and illuminating commentary.

  I wish to thank those who read and commented on early versions of this manuscript: my long-time pastor, Joel Atwell; my friend for over forty years, Terry Campbell; and my own lovely bride. Though their views don’t necessarily fully reflect my own, I greatly valued their input. I also thank those who’ve attended the Made to Lead class and provided their valuable feedback.

  I also wish to thank my oldest daughter, Jacy, first for being such a wonderful daughter and, second, for giving me permission to share some of our personal correspondence in the “Raising Your Daughters” chapter.

  Finally, I dedicate this book to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ of Nazareth – the Word, the Creator, the Judge, the Perfect Leader. He would not release me until I wrote these words; if it’s in His will, may He use them powerfully and widely as I pray:

  Heavenly Father, may the following words fully reflect Your Truth. Please open men’s hearts to receive them in the manner in which they were intended. May you especially give the suffering man all discernment in their use, guiding him to apply his newfound knowledge to the betterment of himself, his family, and Your Kingdom. Redeem his mistakes and draw him and his family to you. Give him the grace and power to break any cycles of dysfunction, leaving an inheritance of wisdom for his children and his children’s children. Always restrain the evil one from sowing confusion. Give us courage to change, to improve, to seek truth. Remove the scales from our eyes, giving us eyes to see, to honestly observe, and provide our minds with clear understanding of what we see. Provide us sufficient courage to forge ahead alone if necessary, but we seek the blessing of your strong right hand, that you might bring brothers beside us, walking shoulder-to-shoulder in Your good will, that we might finish Your race well and together. Draw us to Your will. Form us with Your Potter’s hand. Enable us to fight the good fight and enter Your pleasure. In Jesus’ powerful name, I lift these requests through the power of His shed blood. May we walk authentically in His perfect footsteps. Amen and amen.

  Table of Contents

  Acknowledgments

  Preface

  Preparation

  Marry Well

  Biblical Marriage

  Avoiding the Scourge of Divorce

  Sexual Market Value

  Hypergamy

  Partner Count Matters

  Career and Credentials

  She Really Does Thin
k Differently Than You Do

  Attracting Quality Women

  Her Actions Speak Louder Than Her Words

  Raising Your Daughters

  Triage

  Conclusion

  Preface

  As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.[1]

  — King Solomon

  It is a reality of life that men are competitive and the most competitive games draw the most competitive men. That’s why they are there - to compete. The objective is to win fairly, squarely, by the rules - but to win. And in truth, I’ve never known a man worth his salt who in the long run, deep down in his heart, didn’t appreciate the grind, the discipline. There is something in good men that really yearns for discipline and the harsh reality of head-to-head combat.[2]

  — Coach Vince Lombardi

  This is a book for men.

  Among the most debilitating decisions a man can make is to marry poorly. Conversely, one of the most enabling decisions a man can make is to marry well or not at all. If you marry, marry well. This book is designed first and foremost to help you do precisely that, and it will also help those already married, whether they married well or less than well.

  It’s foundational to understand that God made men to lead, but, for men to lead well, they must be leading toward defined goals, to be on a mission, to be operating with a purpose, a plan. The effectiveness of a man on a mission compared to the wandering, hapless man can be illustrated by comparing a modern fighter jet and a toy balsa wood glider: One will fulfill its purpose, imposing the will of its pilot on the atmosphere to achieve its goals, the other but a cheap toy for childhood amusement, its actions controlled by its environment, by the very wind that will eventually destroy it. As with the fighter jet, the man on a mission exerts his good will against the world in pursuit of his goals and will lead effectively. Those in his sphere – family, church, business, society – will benefit greatly, as will the man himself.

  The purpose of the Made to Lead series of books is straightforward: To encourage men to seek their mission, to understand and execute their God-ordained responsibilities to the best of their abilities, and to help prepare them to do so. Men that do this (and do it well) live exciting, effective, fulfilled lives worthy of emulation. Today’s generation cries out for your considered leadership; from before the womb, tomorrow’s generations cry out, cry out, for a generation of godly leaders, clearing and marking the Good Path in preparation for their time. Let us not disappoint either the present or the future.

  Though these books are written in submission to God, they are nothing if not rebellious books. They rebel against a culture spawned and spread by our mortal Enemy. Though he’s operating with an expiration date, he and his minions are running to and fro, working to destroy all that is good, seeking to substitute his lies and half-truths for God’s Truth. Herein we shall seek out and expose his lies about marriage with prejudice. Tragically, throughout church history, some of the most dangerous and destructive lies have come packaged with the compromised churches’ seal of approval. Church endorsed lies will be attacked with a particular vengeance, for little is more destructive to a Christian than confusion sown by the church. But before we get started in earnest, we must pour a foundation, and then we shall get very, very practical, for this is a boots on the ground book.

  Just as the Apostle Peter warned the nascent church, “Save yourselves from this corrupt generation,”[3] each generation in turn must turn away from sin and toward God’s truth, then reflect His Good News back into the broader culture. Oftentimes the opposite is the case, both historically and today, with many churchgoers merely marking time rather than following the Lord. The Apostle Paul described those holding to a false or hollow faith thusly: “To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted. They claim to know God, but by their actions they deny him. They are detestable, disobedient and unfit for doing anything good.”[4] His words are particularly applicable in our time to those steeped in modern, feminist-derived “churchianity,” the pretense of Christianity but without the true Christ or His plain-spoken word. Just as the Lord made the scales fall from Paul’s eyes,[5] we must invite Him to remove the scales from ours so that we might see with honest eyes.

  If you are a churchian, or even a genuine Christian trying to reconcile the Bible with the modern “isms” in which you have been indoctrinated, these books may well drive your mind into cognitive dissonance, a confused state brought on by holding two incongruous beliefs simultaneously. When genuinely confused, most men’s minds demand a resolution and, in this particular case, there are two obvious paths: The first and best path is through unrelenting investigation until the truth is ultimately understood, but the easier and more commonly utilized alternative is simply to allow your mind to hold two mutually exclusive opinions, taking some care to never draw upon them simultaneously.

  Do you recall when you were first told that Santa Claus was not real? In that moment you almost assuredly experienced cognitive dissonance. I certainly did. My only slightly older aunt, lacking any good motivation whatsoever, informed me of the dark truth, during our Christmas celebration no less. I’ll never forget arguing with her, then going to my parents for their backing. Not wanting to let loose of the innocent lie, they assured me that Santa did exist. In complete and utter confusion, back and forth I went between my parents and my aunt, two trusted parties with diametrically opposed positions, only one of which could be true. Either Santa existed or he did not. Of course, my aunt was proven correct in the end but, though I’m probably in the minority, when I finally understood that Santa did not exist, a small seed of distrust was planted in my mind. If Santa was a lie, what other lies had my parents told me? Though my parents were proven trustworthy countless times through the years, as for me, I resolved to never play the Santa game with my kids, innocent though it might be; I wanted them to trust me implicitly in everything. (By the way, thanks for that bike back in ’66 Santa; it was awesome! The first time I rode it was on an ice-covered grocery store parking lot on Christmas Day, never donning a helmet or knee pads or elbow pads, yet I miraculously survived to tell the tale.)

  Another straightforward example of cognitive dissonance is from the movie The Matrix. Neo’s character was presented a choice by Morpheus, to take the Red Pill and seek the Truth or the Blue Pill to continue living the Lie, a comfortable Lie. “For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it,”[6] is how Jesus described the way of the Lie, always the seemingly easy choice, but Neo chose the Red Pill, and the adventure began. Choosing the Red Pill was the seemingly risky choice, one that he certainly regretted at times. Still, choosing to seek the Truth - to walk through the “narrow gate”[7] - is always the right choice from an eternal perspective.

  The single biggest Red Pill moment in any Christian man’s life must be his decision to follow Jesus, the decision that changes literally everything. Many Jewish leaders believed in Jesus but “would not confess their faith for fear they would be put out of the synagogue.”[8] Unfortunately, many Christians follow in the Jewish leaders’ footsteps, those who “loved praise from men more than praise from God.”[9] Choosing the Red Pill must include the decision to follow God with one’s whole heart, to seek the Truth no matter where it leads, no matter how uncomfortable, no matter how against the grain, no matter the cost. May the followers of Jesus always choose the Red Pill and seek the Truth, letting God remove the blinding scales from their eyes.[10] But to separate Truth from Lies one must seek to understand things as they really exist. Sadly, most in today’s society take Morpheus’ Blue Pill metaphorically, and many take all manner of actual pills of various colors, numbing themselves from the realities of life, reducing their ability to distinguish fantasy from reality.

  When it comes to the relationships between men and women, the equalitarians bark that they should be treated as equal in every
respect. Feminists often deny even the existence of gender differences; however, unchained from the zeitgeist, even the most simpleminded can readily observe this is merely feminist fantasy. Men and women are unequal in just about every respect: height, weight, strength, speed, endurance, expected lifespan, aptitude, interests, hobbies, accomplishments, sex drive, ability to nurture, the manner in which they think and solve problems, and so forth and so on, ad infinitum. Indeed, there are no two people ever created who are equal in every respect. Equality is truly a fantasy and, as the West shall learn, treating unequal things as equal is irrational and counterproductive in the extreme. Western man is conditioned in feminism and equalitarianism from an early age, so steeped in its tenants that most have become emasculated, a conditioning with results perhaps best described by C. S. Lewis:[11]

  And all the time—such is the tragi-comedy of our situation—we continue to clamour for those very qualities we are rendering impossible. You can hardly open a periodical without coming across the statement that what our civilization needs is more ‘drive’, or dynamism, or self-sacrifice, or ‘creativity’. In a sort of ghastly simplicity we remove the organ and demand the function. We make men without chests and expect of them virtue and enterprise. We laugh at honour and are shocked to find traitors in our midst. We castrate and bid the geldings be fruitful.